A lot has happened in a year in the life of NHL winger Justin Williams.  Last summer, the Hurricanes’ sniper was recovering from back and knee injuries, learning what it felt like to watch the playoffs from the comfort of his own couch, and avoiding his personal website at all costs.  He tore up his knee once more in the fall, returned to the ice ahead of schedule, only to get his hand broken by teammate Anton Babchuk’s practice slap shot.  To add insult to injury, management traded him.  To the Kings.

So while Williams eventually hit the Staples Center ice, he has now spent the last year with a myriad of incapacitating injuries and an online guest book where admirers can send their hopes and prayers.  Sound familiar?

In the spirit of last year, we help out Mr. Williams by addressing the Guest Book Psychos.  After the jump, we take care of a little correspondence on Justin’s behalf as Justin.

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By “chat,” I don’t mean one of those fancy deals like Puck Daddy does, where YOU get to ask questions. No, I mean I sat down with this high-powered group to pick their brains one how the upcoming NHL draft will shake out.

Your MYFO draft experts: Robert DeNiro, star of the fine 1991 cinematic masterpiece Backdraft; the rotting corpse of 7-time NASCAR champion Dale Earnhardt; and Mel Kiper, Jr. Gentlemen, how are you?

Mel Kiper, Jr.: I was promised a case of black market South American hair spray in lieu of pay for this gig. I’m not saying another word until I smell some CFCs.

Robert DeNiro: Are you talking to me?

Dale Earnhardt: …

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STOCKHOLM (MYFO) – Vancouver Canucks center Mats Sundin says he will not play for defending champion Sweden at the Vancouver Olympics in February.  But that doesn’t necessarily rule out a second trip atop the medal stand.

“Leading my homeland to a gold medal in 2006 will go down as my greatest achievement in hockey.  It cannot be topped.  Let me make this clear.  This just might be what sounds like a possible retirement from international hockey, pending the outcomes of various uncertainties and indifferences,” Sundin said to a Swedish newspaper Saturday.

The three-time Olympian has been the face of Swedish ice hockey for over a decade, not to mention the captain of the NHL’s famed Toronto Maple Leafs for an impressive 11 years.  He spent the past season in the next Olympic town of Vancouver, making lots and lots of money for minimal production.

Shortly after this press release, the international hockey federations for Norway, Denmark, and Latvia expressed interest in obtaining the international rights of Sundin.  Despite his recent completion of an emotional press conference, Sundin was flattered, commenting: “I am keeping my options open.  For me, a return to international hockey would require the right fit.  Sweden has a new generation of talent coming through the pipeline.  For me to return would be a major shjornblokk to my young countrymen.  However, these other teams present a new opportunity.  Except for Latvia.  Latvia sucks.”

IIHF Rene Fasel admires Sundin’s vigor for global hockey, but also insists on being a buzzkill.  “IIHF rules state that once a player has played in international competition for one nation, he is thereby excluded from ever making an appearance for another nation.”  This is a remarkably declarative rule interpretation, considering Fasel is Swiss.

The Vancouver Olympics are still months away, so one can expect anything but a swift resolution to Sundin’s interest to lead another team to to Olympic glory.  Regardless of outcome, the rights of this press release has already been optioned to Walt Disney Pictures for a two-picture deal.

“Look, I will always be a Swedish hero.  I have a hot wife.  And I’ve made it abundantly clear that I have no interest in raising the Stanley Cup.  This is a new chapter for me.   We’ll have to wait and see.”

Sundin then left the premises in his cherry red Lamborghini Murcielago, only to stop 2 blocks away, vacate the vehicle, and inexplicably walk the rest of the way home.

Sure, it was Mom who drove you to early morning hockey practice as a kid, but who do you think made you better by yelling at you over the glass to GET BACK ON DEFENSE?  That’s right, it was dear old Dad.  And since your kid brother is finally out of school and you’ve got a paying job, you probably need to get him a graduation gift.  Mom and Dad won’t let you sign their card any longer.  In what may become a recurring feature out of necessity, Hextall454 takes a look at the finest product offerings the NHL Shop has to offer…and then promptly demands his money back.

(looks at items in above-pictured banner from NHL.com)

I guess Bettman must hate his father.  Those three are Ricci ugly.

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(When I wrote this post last year, I kicked things off with a horribly damaged picture of a trophy.  When I typed “hockey trophy fail” into the Googles this year, everything kept coming back to the Spokane Chiefs.  So instead of using that, here’s a link to Wrap’s recap of the most hilarious evening the WHL has ever known.)  (Also, it allows me to run this photo instead. FAIL.)

Tonight is the NHL Awards Ceremony, LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS.  It’s on Versus at 7:30 and promises to be THE place for awkward embroidery miscues.  Will we be there?  No.  The risk management team at Versus informed us it’s not in the network’s best financial interest to send 4 thirsty malcontents to Sin City on their dime.  Instead, you can join me, as well as several other mother’s basement escapees in Arlington, VA at the Puck Daddy/Japers Rink Awards Party.

After the jump, we drop some hardware.

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While some teams are winning Stanley Cups, it seems that every other team is firing and hiring head coaches.  After all, it was Pittsburgh’s midwinter upheaval behind the bench whereby they hired their certified public accountant to lead them to a championship.  So that MUST be the method to winning, right?  Since season’s end, 7 teams have done the same (not to mention immediate copycats Ottawa and New York), including a team that had never in their history even attempted such a maneuver.

That’s right, kids.  The Minnesota Wild are making a change.  The Old Grandfather Jacques hasn’t exactly replicated his Devil days in St. Paul, and since Weed Against Speed already has two jobs and seeing that he’s aging every day, has removed himself from consideration.

So for a lack of options, they’ve hired this guy.

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Dear Paul Holmgren,

As the free agency period fast approaches, I know you’re getting excited about building the Philadelphia Flyers into a team that can make a deep playoff run.  Based on previous years, you’ll no doubt give the Philly Faithful a player or two that will excite them heading into the season.  Time and time again, you manage to bring Top 5 talent – Danny Briere, Kimmo Timonen, Aaron…Asham? – using some sort of salary cap sorcery that I’m not even sure Bettman has figured out.  But Mr. Holmgren, I have one simple request for when the floodgated open next month.  I also know that there’s a certain young, big, fast defenseman from Miami that warrants consideration.  With that said:

Paul, let me hold you wallet for you.

Come on now.  Hand it over.

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OUTER SPACE (MYFO) — When the final horn sounded Friday night in Detroit, the Red Wings weren’t the only losers watching the Pittsburgh Penguins win their first Stanley Cup in 16 years.  For the second consecutive year, The Meteor’s campaign to win the Stanley Cup Finals ended up embarrisingly short.

While no fans could be found in the Commissioner’s Office, the upstart high-impact space rock had drawn a impressive following among sports blogs that could not stomach rooting for either of the other two teams in the 2009 Stanley Cup Final.  Meteor built its playoff contender using the blueprint of the 2007 Anaheim Ducks. Its unmatchable size and strength, however, proved to cause epic slowness.  The lack of team speed is seen as the source of the failure.  As the final seconds ticked off the clock, Meteor was too late, still rocketing somewhere over Western Iowa.

“Honestly, after we took out Bruce Willis and his upstart team of roughnecks in the Conference Final, Team Meteor got cocky,” Meteor admitted (in the third-person) to reporters, while cleaning out his locker Monday Morning.  “Apparently you need more than just gravity and inertia to be able to lift Lord Stanley’s Cup.”

The Penguins, amidst their celebrations, affirmed that they didn’t overlook their intergalactic foe.  “Sure, we kept an eye on their progress,” a champagne-soaked Rob Scuderi explained. “You don’t win Cups by wildly hurtling across the ice’s surface.  We used the same gameplan for Scott Walker, Alex Ovechkin, and Scott Hartnell.  Oh, and WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

Truly an underdog, Meteor looks to pick up the pieces of another failed campaign by retooling in the off-season.  They have a number of restricted free agents to re-sign, including the ever-crucial Space Dust.  Space Dust is like kryptonite to Hal Gill.

The impact of Meteor on the NHL landscape is not lost on the league front office, of course.  Moments after the playoffs ended, Meteor was purchased by Research in Motion CEO Jim Balsillie, who promised to relocate the team to Arizona, should the league approve the Coyotes susequent relocation to Hamiltion.  AA proposed arena design can be found here.

The season is over.  Come Saturday, the Red Wings were headed for the links, one way or another.  But instead having something tall and shiny to carry their ice cold ones, they’re stuck with whatever makeshift cooler Draper could fashion the the back of the golf cart.  It’s time to tee off, Hockeytown.

While a Flyers fan visiting The Pensblog over this past weekend is about as good an idea as dropping a toaster in a tub, I had to see what irreverent photoshops were spawned after Pittsburgh’s ascension to the Cup on Friday.  It’s pretty much the standard stuff you expect – hey, did you know Marian Hossa played for the Penguins last year? – but during their interwebs victory parade they visited a number of Red Wings blogs (I know, they exist!  Crazy, right?)  An excerpt:

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