| 18 April 2011
The NHL wisely exercised restraint in declining to suspend the homicidal goon known as Raffi Torres, a repeat miscreant who should be banned from the game until Doomsday for hitting Brent Seabrook with his shoulder when he wasn't looking.
Butthurt Blackhawks fans, however, bemoaned the lack of supplemental discipline imposed on the Violent Goon With No Respect for the Game, noting that their buddy "Seebs" was not even injured on the play, in which he also clearly was looking the other direction from Torres. "You gotta send that bastard a message," said Jimmy Wreczlewski, an admitted "casual" hockey fan who did not actually watch the game, but saw endless slow-motion replays of the heinous hit on local TV. "That crap has no place in the game."
Torres, the deranged lunatic, pronounced himself pleased with the outcome. "BLIGUHG!" he exclaimed in the primitive grunts that characterize the only speech of which his tribe of vicious barbarians is capable. A spokesperson for the Vancouver Canucks translated this incoherent babbling for MYFO: "Hockey is a man's, or in my case, a bipedal hominid bloodthirsty fiend's, game. One, two, Raffi's coming for you!"
