| 30 September 2010
Today's Celebrity Season Preview is brought to you by a caring nurturer and member of several 12-step programs. He is not, however, a licensed therapist. Discussing the Minnesota Wild, please welcome Stuart Smalley.
Hello, everyone. I would like to start off this preview with my daily affirmation: I deserve good things, I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Today, I decided to try something new. I've decided to take a risk, and wear a new sweater. It was sent to me by a recovering sex addict, Melissa D., who knitted it herself; she said it gave her something to do with her hands. I'm also trying something new by writing about hockey, a sport that, frankly, I know little about. But I know I can do it!
The Wild have heretofore been known mainly as a team that employed something called "the trap." You know what else is a trap? Negative thinking. That's what happened to me, right around the time of my twelfth birthday. When I finally told my dad I didn't want to play baseball anymore. Well, I imagined telling my dad that. That negative thinking, about how he would probably be mad, and call me a sissy, kept me from doing it. So I kept playing baseball. And was I happy? You know I wasn't.
The Wild can't fall prey to that negative thinking, either. They were, more or less, a perennial playoff team. At least when Marian Gaborik felt good enough about himself to play. And then, last season, they were left out in the cold. Just like I was left out in the cold one November night, after my mom got drunk and accidentally locked the door while I was taking out the trash.
But as we say in Al-Anon: Trace it. Face it. Erase it. The Wild have to look forward, not backward. I've got someone very special here with me today. Please welcome him, warmly. Brent B., come on out!
Brent: Uh, hi, Stuart.
Stuart: Hello, Brent B. People, Brent B. is a professional athlete. He's very successful, and very handsome. But he doesn't always feel that way, do you, Brent?
Brent: What? Hell, yeah! The ladies love me.
Stuart: Brent is in need of some affirmation. Brent, I want you to repeat after me: "I am a worthy human being."
Brent: What? What is this shit? The PR guy told me this was some kind of "new media" outreach.
Stuart: Say it, Brent. "I am a worthy human being."
Brent: OK, I get it. This is one of those morning zoo shows, right? I'll play along. "I am a worthy human being."
Stuart: I couldn't hear you. Say it louder.
Brent: "I am a worthy human being." Are we done?
Stuart: Mean it.
Brent: I am a worthy human being!
Stuart: Believe it.
Brent: I HATE YOU, JACQUES LEMAIRE! Uh, sorry.
Stuart: That's OK. As we say in program: Progress, not perfection.
Well, I think we've done a tremendous job, here, helping Brent feel better about himself. And I feel better, too! I previewed a hockey team, I really did! Until next time, always remember: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!
