| 08 September 2010
SuperJoe is taking a few minutes in between sets of ab crunches and ShakeWeight workouts to answer a few of your most pressing questions. From the looks of this week's letters...boy, do you people smell!
Dear Joe: I need some help with a very delicate subject. Someone I love has what I would characterize as "questionable" hygiene practices. This person does not shower every day. I'm not saying that he goes days without showering but IMO, one day is long enough. That may just be a personal pet peeve of mine but I like to have a clean body every single day. Especially the day after a very hot day that produced quite a bit of perspiration - such as yesterday. Also, if there is no shower, there is no clean underwear. Same underwear as the day before. GROSS. How can I bring up this very touchy subject without sounding like a nag (or sounding like this person's mother) and without hurting his feelings?--Loretta
Dear Loretta:
It's too bad you're not a guy, talking to another guy. Because then you could say, "Dude, you stink. You've got more B.O. than a Monopoly railroad." Then he would be all like, "Fuck you, buddy," and try to shove your head in his armpit. Then you'd both laugh, and he'd take a shower, and everything would be cool. But you're a chick, talking to a guy. There is really only one way to broach this topic without sounding like his mom or the worst harpy of a soon-to-be-dumped girlfriend alive. And that is to offer to take a shower with him, every day. Believe me, he will appreciate this. For maximum odor control, pay special attention to the groinal area!
Dear Joe: One thing that really bothers me about my boyfriend is that he can go DAYS without brushing his teeth - mostly on the weekends. No brushing Friday night, Saturday morning and night and no brushing Sunday. Like EWWWW!!!! Personally, I can't stand that feeling on my teeth when they are not clean.. Ugh. It's disgusting. Not to mention the breath. This person smokes and drinks beer. Not a good breath combo on any day but when you go days without brushing, it's one million times worse. What can I do?--Staci
Dear Staci: Get over yourself. Cigarettes, beer and not brushing your teeth on weekends is what college is all about. Or maybe he just likes drinking a lot of orange juice on the weekend, and doesn't want toothpaste to fuck that shit up. You ever drink OJ right after brushing? It's like drinking paint. So look on the bright side: he probably doesn't have scurvy.
Dear Joe: Did Jesus ever give personal hygiene advice? If so, where in the Bible? What was it?--Burning Question
Dear Burning Question: I'm not a big Bible guy. Shocking, I know. But I used to go to Sunday School when I was a kid, and I remember that time when Jesus washed his disciples' feet. That's pretty fucking gross. But it does give me an idea for this year's training camp rookies! You ever smell feet when they come out of skates after a two-hour practice?
Dear Joe: I have a stepson who is now 18 years old and has terrible hygiene habits. He doesn't like to brush his teeth with any kind of toothpaste so he just doesn't brush them at all. He has terrible body odour even when he showers. I have tried everything from talking gently to yelling, to embarrassing him - I cannot stand it as he smells and his room smells. When it starts coming out into other rooms I get very angry, this has been going on since I first met his Dad 8 years ago. I'm at my wits end and even went so far as subscribing to a paper on hygiene addressed to him (which he probably doesn't read). I dont know what to do. Any suggestions?--RedHot(Step)Mama
Dear RH(S)M: Oh, lady. You've been going about this all wrong from the get-go. First, you come into this kid's life when he's 10, trying to be all like "I might not be your mom, but God Damn It I am your parent now." Yep, kids all around the world always respond positively to their stepmom yelling at them about shit. Really, how fucking stupid are you? And the hygiene newsletter addressed to him--what a supremely passive-aggressive, bitchy stepmom move that was! I just can't imagine why junior hasn't responded to these sound parenting techniques!
At this point, it's probably too late, as the poor kid hates your fucking guts and will refrain from showering for weeks on end in the HOPES that it sets you off. But I try like hell to be helpful to people, so I'll give you two lifelines. First, where the fuck is Dad? Is his nose broke? Dad should man up, go to Junior, and say, "Look, son, I know you're 18 and already know everyfuckingthing there is to know. So I'm not going to tell you what to do. But it has been my experience that filthy, smelly, fuzzy-toothed heathens don't get any pussy. Or cock, if that's what you're into and I'm not asking." That probably won't work, as he will assume (correctly) that you put Dad up to it.
Your second option: the same advice that I gave to Loretta. I assume, that as a second wife, you're a younger model, and presumably have some level of hotness. Even though the kid hates your guts, he still probably spanks it to you a couple of times a week (don't be horrified; this is a tiny percentage, like .05 percent, of an 18-year-old guy's weekly spank ration). Offer to take a shower with the poor kid, and soap him up real good. Tell him that the only reason you've been after him about cleaning himself up is because you've had the hots for him all along, and you've got a cleanliness kink. Make it about you, not him. Once the hardon arrives, he's not really going to hear much you say anyway. Then you clean him up real good, and reward him appropriately. YEEAAAARGGHHH! That kid will be showering twice a day in hopes of catching your attention with his squeaky cleanitude. Total win-win.
