| 29 October 2010
Steve Ott begged for a week off, and Joe hasn't written in a while. It's a perfect storm, and you are the beneficiary.
Hey, MYFOnians! It's been a slow start to the season, but I've got an assload of useful advice all saved up. So let's get right to your questions.
Dear Joe: I am an 18- year-old college student. I'm working at an internship. At my workplace there is a gentleman who works in maintenance. He seems to have a mental handicap. He often stops by during my lunch break to talk with me. Recently I gave him my number with the intent that it be primarily a method of contact in case of an emergency. He started texting me, asking me how I am, and I didn't mind. In a matter of days, however, the texts changed. He has asked what sizes of clothes I wear, and when I inquired he said he wanted to get some for me. He has said he loves me. I have a huge problem with this, but I am unsure what to do. I don't have the backbone to tell him to get lost. Should I just ignore him? Should I talk to the intern supervisor? Is there some way I can handle this gracefully?--Generous Jenna
Dear Jenna:
Man, oh man, did you make some mistakes here. You are only 18, though, so you can be forgiven a bit for not knowing that giving a guy your number is an invitation to sexual harassment. That's like, in the law! I'm a smart guy, but I can't think of any work-related "emergencies" that would require a maintenance guy to call an 18-year-old intern. So, you must have been thinking of some sort of other emergency, like a severe case of blueballs. And now you wanna rat the guy out and get him fired? SuperJoe says that is SuperUncool. At this point, you have two choices: get a new low-paying shittastic job, or woman up and marry the guy. The second option might seem unappealing, but look at it this way: he's a mentally impaired maintenance guy. You are the best thing that has ever happened, or will ever happen, to him. He will worship you until the day he dies! And he'll use the $8.50 an hour he makes to buy you clothes! It's win-win, really.
Dear Joe: I have always enjoyed Halloween. I like seeing the children in their costumes and, for most of the little ones, it is a fun and magical time. In our neighborhood, a group of 15 to 20 parents escort their trick-or-treating children from door to door. Sometimes there are 25 to 30 kids. When they approach a house for their treats, the parents remain on the sidewalk, apparently oblivious to what's going on. I hope my letter will remind parents to practice mindfulness and make this Sunday a Happy Halloween! --Harrisburg Harry
Dear Harry:
You are one sick fuck. But I bet you know that. My advice to you is to fucking kill yourself, before one of those parents does notice, and does it for you in an especially brutal way. Me, I'd carve you up with a rusty skate blade and impale you on a broken stick. YYEEAAARGHH! That graphite can create some sharp fucking splinters, buddy.
Dear Joe: I am in my mid-20s and for the past two years have been dating the most beautiful, fascinating woman I've ever met, and we're talking about getting married. Her family is fervently religious and has very traditional ideas about premarital relations. Last weekend, after much insistence on my girlfriend's part, I was invited to stay at her family's vacation home. Of course, we slept in separate rooms. Late one night, my girlfriend persuaded me to have sex with her in the backyard—outdoor sex is a fetish of hers. The next morning, her 80-year-old grandmother was very upset, convinced that during the night she had seen two people having sex in the backyard. Her grandmother is becoming a bit senile, and nobody believed her. My girlfriend and I were far too embarrassed to come forward. A week later, her grandmother is still adamant about what she saw and is talking about calling the police. The family had been considering moving her into an assisted-living facility, and now they're convinced they must. My girlfriend and I feel incredibly guilty that our behavior could land her grandmother in assisted living, but we fear that if we come forward, her parents will be so angry that our relationship will suffer, if not end. Should we fess up, or get ready to visit Grandma at her new home on weekends?--Jerry
Dear Jerry:
Believe it or not, this is for the best. Many of those old-folks homes ("assisted-living facility" is just a guilt-reducing euphemism) are very nice. They have therapists come in and play games with the geezers. She'll have other geezers to talk to, and reminisce about the good old days when kids would have sex in a barn instead of the backyard, because it was the Depression, and no one had backyards. Granny will be very happy there. Just don't ever let her get too close a look at your backside, or the pieces of the puzzle will click into place. And if the family takes her out to go on vacation next summer...do your midnight boinking on the other side of the house. Maybe you can get Uncle Charlie sent to the old-folks home, too. In a few years, that house could be yours by default.
Dear Joe: Recently I found out through lab reports that I am almost completely out of the hormone testosterone. What causes it? I am 54. Now I am taking a testosterone drug.--Listless Larry
