| 11 November 2010
Well, I've been enjoying a nice little "vacation" this week. So I'm all fired up to answer some questions. Our first one comes to us from "JT in CA":
Dear Joe: I am the captain of a prominent local sports team. The other night, I was exiting a...secluded area...on the playing surface, and collided with another player, who apparently did not see me. It was a pretty hefty collision. Truth be told, I laid that fucker right out. The refs freaked out and booted me from the game. Then the suits got involved, and now I'm suspended! WTF? The little bugger bounced right back up and scored a few minutes later, although he now claims to have headaches or something. Is it my fault I am huge and awesomely strong? Thanks, JT in CA.
Dear JT: No, it is not your fault. This is, like, eight kinds of bogus. You're on a sports field of any sort, you have an obligation to keep your head up. Especially when there's 240 pounds of PURE MAN lurking somewhere in the vicinity. If you can't take a garden-variety hit from a PURE MAN, like I'm sure you are, JT, then get out of the kitchen, grandma. I can't even begin to tell you how pissed off shit like this makes me! You're playing a MAN'S GAME, JT, and you just keep on being a MAN.
Dear Joe: I don't know why people don't like me. I am really, really awesome at my job--so awesome, in fact, that I can sometimes just coast my way through it and still be miles better than 90 percent of the meatheads I work with. But I've been shitcanned from two jobs in the last few months--only for a day or two, as someone is always ready to latch on to someone of my prodigious talents. But I'm concerned, because my current gig's contract is only for a few more months, and I'd like to get a hefty payday wherever I go next, but I'm afraid I'm getting a bad rep. Any advice?--RM in NE MN TN
Dear RM: You can't concern yourself with what other people think. For example, there are some people (read: douchebags) who think I'm a playoff choker. Well, fuck them sideways. I just do what I do, AWESOMELY. I recommend you follow the same path. That payday will come, my friend, as the awesome always rises to the top.
Dear Joe: Recently, I was given a very prestigious award. Frankly, I didn't deserve it. Making things worse, this is the FIFTH TIME I've been given this award, and I've never deserved it. I'm feeling just a little bit guilty. Should I give it back?--DJ in NY
Dear DJ: Absofuckinglutely not. You DID deserve that award. You know how I know? Because someone gave it to you. Who are you to question their excellent taste? Be gracious, and humble, as you receive it. Publicly, anyway. Privately, though, put that baby on a shelf right above your bed, so that the ladies can gaze at it adoringly as you give them a first-hand taste of just what excellence it like. Because you ARE excellent, DJ, and don't let any Internet nerds tell you otherwise.
Dear Joe: I was playing golf the other day, and shot a 69. Pretty good, right? All I could think of, though, was two things: first, I giggled a little bit, because, you know, 69 DUDE! And then I felt a little sad, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm recently divorced, and in a bit of a dry spell. Any advice to help me get out there?--EW in FL.
Dear EW: 69 DUDE! High five! Nothing like it. Look, breakups are always rough. Or so I hear, as I am always the dumper, and not the dumpee. But it sounds like you need a confidence boost, so I recommend setting your sights a little low at first, just to re-break your proverbial cherry. A waitress, perhaps one who works the overnight shift at a low-priced pancake house, might be just the thing to get you back into the groove. The groove of her ass, amirite! YEEAARRGGHH!
