| 21 June 2010
Hey, it's me, Jaro! As everyone knows, I am a stubborn Taurus, and would even consider driving one for the right kind of sponsorship deal. I'm looking at you, St. Louis area Ford dealers! But for the rest of you with other birthdays, fear not. I can read the stars as easily as the eyes of a would-be goal scorer.
ARIES. I love Aries, as I will now be sharing a town with so many superstar Rams. Like, um, that quarterback guy, whatsisname. AJ Feely. Oh yes, Jaro will love this town! But for you, Aries, sorry--the future is still not very bright. Your lucky numbers--VERY lucky--are 4-12.
TAURUS. If you are Taurus like me, well, every day is lucky day! I cannot wait to make it a lucky day for the many beautiful ladies of Saint Louis. Taurus, your lucky number is 3, if you know what I mean! And I think you do!
GEMINI. Gemini are the twins. Now that I am in Western Conference, I will be seeing more of the Sedins. Gemini, your mood today is "frustrated." Your lucky number is ZERO.
CANCER. It is never your lucky day with Cancer. I am very sympathetic. This is why I close my eyes whenever Jason Blake attempts a shot on me. Cancer, your lucky number is four...feet wide of the net.
LEO. If I were not Taurus, I would love to be a Leo. King of the Crease! Also, antelope is delicious. For hockey's Kings, your lucky number is $10 million a year for Kovalchuk.
VIRGO. Jaro got traded for a couple of Virgos, as I like to call the rookies. Virgo Lars, this is not your lucky day, as it will be automatically your fault whenever Carey Price lets in a soft third-period goal. Your lucky number is 22 goals, 26 assists.
LIBRA. I do not even know what a Libra is. But your birthday is during the hockey preseason, so your mood is "optimistic." Your lucky number is 2 tickets to the opener!
SCORPIO. There is lack of stinging insects in NHL. Maybe one of the teams with a boring name, like the Rangers, should think about a name change. Your lucky number is $28 million in new merchandise sales.
SAGITTARIUS. Is there anything better than a Friday-Saturday home-and-home series? Why did the NHL stop scheduling these? Stupid Bettman. Your lucky number is one kick to the groin.
CAPRICORN. These are those little cone-shaped orange and yellow candies you get at Halloween, right? Delicious. You wouldn't think that corn-flavored candy would be good, but you would be wrong! Your lucky number is five, or how many handfuls you can eat before you puke!
AQUARIUS. Jaro would love to keep fish. That is favorite part of going to dentist--watching them swim around their tank. Very peaceful. But being on the road all the time is no good for pets. Your mood is SAD. Your lucky number is one, because it is loneliest number.
PISCES. Why is this different than Aquarium? Did the ancient Greeks run out of animals? Biggest Pisces in NHL is Sharks, who are stuck with Nabokov again! You should have traded for Jaro! Your lucky number is a second-round exit.
