| 23 July 2010
As an American, it is my unquestioned right to tell people from other countries how to live their lives, what they should think, and recommend general improvements to their obviously inferior societies.
Today's target: Canada. Recently, I came across this list, compiled by the CBC, of the "100 Greatest Canadians." As the list was compiled in 2004, Sidney Crosby was nowhere to be found--he was probably only like No. 105 or something at that point. Still, the list was heavily populated with hockey players. Ironically, "The Great One" was only listed as the tenth greatest Canadian. Behind noted heroic person (and CBC employee) Don Cherry (No. 7).
Now, having sports heroes on a list of "greatest persons" is not in and of itself a bad thing--a list of the 100 greatest Americans would undoubtedly include Muhammad Ali, and Terry Bradshaw. But I think that if I were David Thompson (No. 73), who mapped nearly two million square miles of North America with his bare hands and a dull pencil, I might be a little miffed that I finished behind such "accomplished" people as Avril Lavigne (40) and Pamela Anderson (51). If I were Mr. Fucking Hockey Gordie Howe (53), I think I might just pummel someone at CBC after finishing waaaaayyy behind Winnipeg Power 97 radio personality Hal Anderson (34) and horrific "comedy" purveyor Mike Meyers (20). Granted, this was before "Love Guru" came out, so maybe Myers has slipped to 27 or something, the slot currently occuppied by histrionic balladeer Celine Dion.
Canada, you need to get your shit together. If you don't actually have 100 people in your nation's history who have done something to be considered "great," please consider shortening your list to a Top 18 or something. And if you have a national figure known as "The Great One," there really is only one spot on the list he can occupy. It's right there in his name.
Take a lesson from America, where we choose our greats with care, and then worship them beyond all reason to the point where their greatness cannot be disputed. George Washington will always be the greatest American, if the nation lasts for 1,000 years, and anyone who argues that point will be summarily shot with one of our easily obtainable firearms (also on the list of undisputed greatest Americans: Samuel Colt).
As a representative of your better-informed and generally superior neighbors to the south, I implore the CBC to re-do this list to more accurately reflect what I perceive to be the necessary criteria for a "greatness" list.
