| 27 January 2010
Patrick Kane: Hey, f-f-f-fellas. How we gonna chill here in the C-C-C-Couv?
Kris Versteeg: We could hit some clubs--I already ordered up a limo.
Jonathan Toews: Limo?
Kris: Don't worry, Cap'n. I prepaid, including the tip.
Toews: Well done. But men, before we go out, we need to get shipshape. I will not be caught socializing with a bunch of uncouth ruffians.
Kaner: I got your c-c-c-couth right here, Cap.
Toews: That's enough nonsense out of you. All right, let's hit the showers.
Kris: Uh, Cap'n?
Toews: Yes?
Kris: We're in the hotel, not the locker room. We don't all need to jump in there together.
Toews: Nonsense! It will build camaraderie and improve unit cohesion. Drop those pants, get in here and start lathering.
Kaner: I got your l-l-l-lather right here, boss.
Toews: Kaner! Enough! I'm not going to...Corporal Kane, what, pray tell, is that?
Kaner: What is wh-wh-wh-what?
Toews: There. On your chest.
Kaner: Those are my chest hairs. I call them Harry, B-b-b-barry, and Cherry. Ch-ch-cherry was the first one, yo.
Toews: Well, off they go. Kris, reach out there and grab my shaving kit off the sink.
Kris: Shaving kit, Cap'n? Is that really necessary?
Toews: Yes it is--my God, look at you! When's the last time you took a razor to that torso?
Kris: Um, never, Cap'n?
Toews: No, don't blame yourself. This is my fault for letting discipline get so slack in this unit. Since this is your first time, I will give you instruction. In the future, I expect you to continue to maintain your frontal area to the highest grooming standards.
Kaner: Dude! Cap is shaving your ch-ch-chest!
Kris: Shut up!
Toews: There, that should do it. Smooth and pink, like a lamb's ear. Kane, let's have a look at you. Very nice, very nice...wait a minute. I failed to perform full reconnaissance. We're going to have to get rid of that, too.
Kaner: Not my happy t-t-t-trail!
Towes: More than that, I'm afraid. Do you see this? (Waggles his genitalia) Is it covered in lice-drawing fur like some street mutt? No it is not. It is smooth and sleek and ready to leap into action without any unnecessary friction.
Kris: You mean like swimmers, Cap'n?
Toews: Exactly. How can you expect your equipment to perform at its peak when it is ensnared in tangles of greasy wool? Alright, Kane, feet apart. This won't hurt a bit. Versteeg, I think you've got the hang of it, you can get to work on your own. Don't neglect the perineum.
Kris: The peri-who?
Kaner: He means your t-t-t-taint, homes. Ow!
Toews: Hold still, man. I've seen worse paper cuts.
Kris: The ladies will appreciate this, right Cap'n?
Toews: Ladies? I'm not sure what they've got to do with anything.
