Patrick Kane: Hey, f-f-f-fellas. How we gonna chill here in the C-C-C-Couv?

Kris Versteeg: We could hit some clubs--I already ordered up a limo.

Jonathan Toews: Limo?

Kris: Don't worry, Cap'n. I prepaid, including the tip.

Toews: Well done. But men, before we go out, we need to get shipshape. I will not be caught socializing with a bunch of uncouth ruffians.

Kaner: I got your c-c-c-couth right here, Cap.

Toews: That's enough nonsense out of you. All right, let's hit the showers.

Kris: Uh, Cap'n?

Toews: Yes?

Kris: We're in the hotel, not the locker room. We don't all need to jump in there together.

Toews: Nonsense! It will build camaraderie and improve unit cohesion. Drop those pants, get in here and start lathering.

Kaner: I got your l-l-l-lather right here, boss.

Toews: Kaner! Enough! I'm not going to...Corporal Kane, what, pray tell, is that?

Kaner: What is wh-wh-wh-what?

Toews: There. On your chest.

Kaner: Those are my chest hairs. I call them Harry, B-b-b-barry, and Cherry. Ch-ch-cherry was the first one, yo.

Toews: Well, off they go. Kris, reach out there and grab my shaving kit off the sink.

Kris: Shaving kit, Cap'n? Is that really necessary?

Toews: Yes it is--my God, look at you! When's the last time you took a razor to that torso?

Kris: Um, never, Cap'n?

Toews: No, don't blame yourself. This is my fault for letting discipline get so slack in this unit. Since this is your first time, I will give you instruction. In the future, I expect you to continue to maintain your frontal area to the highest grooming standards.

Kaner: Dude! Cap is shaving your ch-ch-chest!

Kris: Shut up!

Toews: There, that should do it. Smooth and pink, like a lamb's ear. Kane, let's have a look at you. Very nice, very nice...wait a minute. I failed to perform full reconnaissance. We're going to have to get rid of that, too.

Kaner: Not my happy t-t-t-trail!

Towes: More than that, I'm afraid. Do you see this? (Waggles his genitalia) Is it covered in lice-drawing fur like some street mutt? No it is not. It is smooth and sleek and ready to leap into action without any unnecessary friction.

Kris: You mean like swimmers, Cap'n?

Toews: Exactly. How can you expect your equipment to perform at its peak when it is ensnared in tangles of greasy wool? Alright, Kane, feet apart. This won't hurt a bit. Versteeg, I think you've got the hang of it, you can get to work on your own. Don't neglect the perineum.

Kris: The peri-who?

Kaner: He means your t-t-t-taint, homes. Ow!

Toews: Hold still, man. I've seen worse paper cuts.

Kris: The ladies will appreciate this, right Cap'n?

Toews: Ladies? I'm not sure what they've got to do with anything.

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