| 03 February 2010
Scene: Nashville, inside the Predators locker room. The boys are trickling in, getting suited up for the morning skate. Already present are PEKKA RINNE, RYAN SUTER, and JP DUMONT. DAVID LEGWAND shuffles in, with a slightly awkward gait, and sets down his bag.
DUMONT: Allo, Leggsy.
LEGWAND: (sits down gingerly in front of his locker): Hey, Dumer.
RINNE: David, you are looking a little rough around the perimeter, no?
SUTER: Yeah, man, you look like shit. Rough night?
LEGWAND: I've got this new girl...she's torturing me. Didn't get much sleep.
SUTER: I hear that! Good for you, bro.
DUMONT: Ah, ze old horizontal bop.
LEGWAND: No, that's just the problem. No bopping. She's torturing me, I tell you.
RINNE: I understand. In Finland, we call this kannagettaninuki.
SUTER: She's shutting you down? That's cold.
LEGWAND: Well, not exactly. I did ask for it. I just...didn't imagine it would be quite like this.
DUMONT: You asked for this? For the no sex? Sacre bleu, but that is insanite.
SUTER: How long has this been going on?
LEGWAND: It will be three weeks tomorrow.
RINNE: Your balls must be bluer than the inside of a mustikkapiirakka.
LEGWAND: It wasn't so bad at first, but now...I can barely sleep as it is. Last night, she came over, and cooked me dinner in the nude.
DUMONT: That is amazing.
LEGWAND: While I was eating, she sat on the kitchen counter and played with herself. I could barely chew. After I finished, she sprayed some whipped cream on her crotch and told me to come get dessert. Then she left.
SUTER: Dude. I guess you rubbed one out, huh? Maybe two?
LEGWAND: I...I can't.
RINNE: Can't?
LEGWAND: No. It's...it's just impossible. That's why I couldn't sleep. I can barely walk. It's torture!
DUMONT: Mon ami, I think I speak for all of us when I say, we understand if you need a few moments alone in the shower...
LEGWAND: You don't get it! That won't help! She has the key!
SUTER: The key? Dude, what are you talking about?
LEGWAND: I'm talking about the key! She has the key, and I can't get out until she says I can! I can't even get an erection! God help me! (He pulls down his pants.)
THE OTHERS, in unison: Ooooohhhh.
RINNE: I will never understand Americans.
