| 04 August 2010
God, the job market sucks right now.
Hey there, recent (female) college graduate. We here at MYFO are so proud of you in your attainment of an undergraduate degree. We hope you celebrated this achievement by getting together with other (female) college graduates and held pillow fights in your underwear.
Weeks and weeks of pillow fights.
But it's August now, and it's time to join the real world. The problem is, every last hiring manager with a job vacancy has chosen the month of August to vacation and you're running out of money. But hey, you like hockey, we like you, and MYFO is here to help.
The job portal on NHL.com has a few positions, sure, but it's unlikely you've got the resume to become the Caps' Media Relations Director or the Wild's Security Manager. But you don't want those jobs. You want a job where you can have fun, get some exercise, and expose your midriff. You want to be an ICE GIRL.
But this is no lonely boat; there are other well-qualified ladies with which you will have to compete. And since pillow fighting isn't part of the interview process, you will be fighting an uphill battle. So MYFO has decided to help you out. After the jump, we give the lowdown on the application process. Should you utilize our help, show us a little love and send us a picture. Or a t-shirt out of a cannon at point blank range.
Chicago Blackhawks
Sadly for Chicago, their Stanley Cup winning Ice Crew isn't getting a ton of press this summer, what with the constant Cupdates. But it's been a tough summer for the Crew. Having locked up some of their youngest and hottest members to long-term deals, many of the key role players (Kristy the Crease Sweeper, Amber the Hold the Mic for the Trivia Girl) have been let go for financial reasons. Which means it's a perfect time in the Windy City to be a rookie like yourself.
While no formal audition time has been announced, you can submit your application online to the powers that be. Let's sample a question, shall we?
Date of Birth:
For the Date of Birth field, the Blackhawks have given you one of those cute calendar icons that you can click on and select the date yourself. IT'S A TRAP. If you are unable to type the month, the day, and the year of your delivery into the provided fields, and instead need to rely on sifting through the calendar, you fail. They will know you did this, and immediately dock points for idiocy. How are they to trust an idiot with wearing a Santa hat without choking on it?
Columbus Blue Jackets
Considering Ohio State has an enrollment of eleventy billion, this market will be saturated with qualified applicants. It may help if your a blonde; the Jackets are going to Stockholm in October and should you do well in training camp, they may try to trade you to a Bikini Team in exchange for Peter Forsberg.
Application Due Date: August 12
Audition: August 16, Nationwide Arena (by invitation only)
Compensation: $85 per game
Wow, 85 dollars! Damn, that's almost 4 grand a season to by spiky boots that will get the attention of Derick Brassard! How is this not time well spent?
Nashville Predators
Yeah, the Preds already picked their team of not-quite-famous Vanderbilt grads and struggling country singers. We'll let you know if one of them ends up backing Keith Urban on tour and a slot opens up later in the season. The three rookies are names Emma, Shannon, and Chasity. I'll let you get which is a stripper when Shea Weber and friends hit the road.
Los Angeles Kings
Sure, we may have missed the Kings by nearly a month, but they had an application that was 4 pages long. Let's sample some questions and provide you with what they right answers were:
Ice Skating Ability: "Great" (Don't put expert. Experts may be called upon to fill the roster spot we all assumed Kovalchuk would."
Have you had any voice/improv/acting training? "No." Lie if you must, but your affinity for Colin Mochrie will get you nowhere in life.
What three words best describe you? "Royal" "Kinglike" "Racktastic"
Dallas Stars
Modano's out of town, ladies! No more living in the shadow of Willa Ford! So let's take heed above the above graphic, attend auditions on August 7th and 8th, and tear some hamstrings!
Applications must be received by 5pm tomorrow, so we recommend FedEx for all of your job requisition needs.
Look,we're going to be honest with you. Dallas has the absolute best Ice Team in the country, and you're not going to make it. So let's take this space to discuss this: what about the girl in the picture above? While we don't know her name, it's probably a safe assumption that she was a member of the 2009-2010 team. Does her use in the audition materials ensure a spot on the final roster? I mean, it would be quite the dick move to use her as the pinnacle and prime example of an Ice Team member, only for her to get cut unceremoniously. You have to think that teams think about this in advance. Look at the Redskins. They sent out their season tickets, and their highest paid player - Msr. Haynesworth - isn't featured. There's a reason for that.
Eh, who am I kidding, she's a lock. I was just giving you a reason to stare at her a bit longer.
Anaheim Ducks
They're done, too. Sorry about that. Here's a video to make up for it.
