| 04 August 2010
What would it be like to be a louse living in Gary Bettman's underpants during the Kovalchuk contract arbitration hearing? Wonder no longer, as MYFO's tech department rigged up a snazzy electronic eavesdropping device, which was able to capture at least some bits and pieces of the hearing, and transcribe it here for your pleasure.
Bettman: GM Lamoriello, did you intend to circumvent the salary cap?
Arbitrator: You *don't* have to answer that question!
Lou Lamoriello: I'll answer the question!
[to Bettman]
Lamoriello: You want answers?
Bettman: I think I'm entitled.
Lamoriello: You want answers?
Bettman: I want the truth!
Lamoriello: You can't handle the truth! [pauses] Gary, we live in a world that has goalies, and those goalies have to be beaten by men with sticks. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Colin Campbell? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the cap, and you curse the players' union. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the Kovalchuk contract, while tragic, probably will help the Devils win the Cup. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins Cups. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me making these deals, you need me making these deals. We use words like sniper, grit, power play. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent trying to win Cups. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the goosedown blanket of riches that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a stick, and score a goal. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Bettman: Did you intend to circumvent the salary cap?
Lamoriello: I did the job I...
Bettman: Did you intend to circumvent the salary cap?
Lamoriello: You're Goddamned right I did!
...
Ilya Kovalchuk: The one thing that bothered me, the one thing that stayed in my mind and I couldn't get rid of it, that haunted me, was why. Why would Lou lie? What was his motive for lying? If my contract is valid, he's lying, why? Was it blackmail? No. Was it jealousy? No. Yesterday I found out why. He doesn't have a motive, you know why? Because he's not lying... And Mr. Arbitrator, the NHL is not going to get rewrite the CBA today, no, because I'm gonna rewrite it! My GM, Lou Lamoriello, should go right to fucking jail! The son of a bitch is guilty! Lamoriello is guilty! That man, there, that man is a slime! he is a *slime*! If he's allowed to go free, then something really wrong is goin' on here!
Arbitrator: Mr. Kovalchuk, you are out of order!
Kovalchuk: You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole hearing is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that CBA there, and he'd like to do it again! He *told* me so! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Lou, you wanna "Make A Deal"? I got a friend who wants to play until he's 60! What'll you give me, 23 year contract?
