| 30 August 2010
Because I was on vacation, I couldn't get Steve Ott's advice out to you in the timely fashion to which you have no doubt become accustomed from this blog. Sorry about that. But better late than never, right? (coughNSFWednesdaycough)
Greetings once again. It is my distinct pleasure to be speaking with you once more, on a topic that is important to all of us: sexual etiquette. Observance of proper etiquette in intimate situations will elevate your sexual experience from a mad, frenzied groping which leaves you feeling vaguely guilty as you creep out the door at 5 a.m., to a potentially rich and rewarding relationship-building exercise which may, in certain cases, involve breakfast being made for you.
The first step, of course, is initiating the encounter. While some, cruder individuals employ techniques such as coming up behind a woman on the dance floor and grinding your sweaty and turgid nether regions into her posterior as a sort of atavistic invitation, a gentleman prefers slightly more formality. Such as asking, "May I have this dance?" And then, and only then, proceeding to the turgid grinding.
Once you have procured your partner's explicit consent to a sexual encounter...no, wait, let us move back a step and define "explicit consent." Consent need not take on the formality of a signed and notarized document, but it is something more than merely lack of resistance, as this could easily be due to a disabling medical condition or blackout drunkenness. A gentleman never takes advantage of the disabled or the unconscious.
As I was saying, consent procured, one must turn one's attention to a location. The uncouth and boorish will settle for the first available space, such as a bathroom stall. Please do not debase yourself like that. A stall, even if you should be so lucky as to find one with a working latch, does not afford one the sort of discretion and privacy one associates with a classier level of indivudal. Something more along the lines of an unlocked janitor's closet will tell her that you respect her enough to care about her privacy. Also, the chemicals will likely provide some ambient protection against germs and disease.
If you live in the truly rarefied airs of sophistication, you will actually take the lady home with you. If you are that classy, you probably do not need the following reminder, which I will provide for those who aspire to someday reach that level. Sophistication requires preparation and anticipation. A reasonably clean domicile, with clean sheets upon the bed, are simply musts. Gritty sheets and the aroma of moldering pizza boxes just do not convey the message "Please stay for a second round, assuming I can get it up again and don't just fall asleep."
On to the deed itself. While gentlemen may or may not prefer blondes, gentlemen certainly do prefer foreplay. Foreplay serves a dual role, in that it not only prolongs the sexual experience beyond the 105 seconds to which many are accustomed, it also helps lubricate the vagina to make those 105 seconds as pleasant as possible for the lady. Like a fine meal, icing only goes with dessert. There is a freshly tossed salad to enjoy, along with perhaps a nice, palate-cleansing fruit such as melon. A light entree, such as perhaps clams or mini-tacos, will only make your dessert the sweeter.
Once you are engaged in the actual act, too many men drop their manners, and proceed immediately to act is if the young lady is a street to be opened up for emergency utility work. Rather than parting concrete with hydraulic tools, imagine that you are using a set of fine tools to defuse a bomb. Except, of course, in this case you want the bomb to explode. Precision, sensitivity, and surehandedness are the watchwords. Just as in defusing a bomb, "Oops" is not a word one should ever utter.
A gentleman also ensures that his lady is complete before he indulges himself. If you have properly executed the multi-course-meal-followed-by-bomb-defusing plan I have laid out, this should not be a problem, even for the hair-triggered among you. If you find yourself pushed to the brink too soon, however, I recommend reciting poetry to temporarily distract yourself. I find that either William Butler Yeats or Luther Campbell work best, but you are of course free to find your own muse.
Afterward, courtesy demands that you proffer a formal expression of gratitude. This expression should be sincere and heartfelt. Snoring does not count. Always invite her to stay. Do not say things like, "Don't you have to be somewhere?" or "Hey, my wife's gonna be home from her girls' night out in about half an hour, so..."
Ask her if you may call her again some time. If you've done things right, the answer will always be yes. It is entirely permissible to place this subsequent call during a time when you are not drunk and/or horny.
Again, it has been my sincere pleasure to share these lessons with you, and I look most forward to reprising our little salon in the very near future.
