| 13 August 2010
People know me, if they know me at all, as a bit of a boor. A lout. A foulmouthed, rude, ill-bred and disreputable character. But that's not me; that's just my day job. Off the ice, I am a stickler for propriety, civilized discussions, and manners. When I go out to a restaurant, or visit a friend's home for a dinner engagement, it is always extremely frustrating to me to witness the point to which people's behavior has deviated so far from the civilized.
And now, I am going to do something about it. On Fridays here at MYFO, I will be educating all of you on the finer points of what it means to be a civilized human being. I am not just talking about using pickle forks--although I will be talking about using pickle forks--I'm talking about the whole ball of wax. Dining. Grooming. Social interaction.
Today, we will start out slowly, with a list of a few common social faux pas that you should avoid:
--When talking to a lady, do not stare at her breasts. Or her mouth. Or her crotch. Or any other body part in which you fervently hope to insert, rub, or otherwise manipulate your penis. Your best bet is her eyes. Unless you have a weird eye-fucking kink, in which case professional help might be in order before you accept any future social invitations.
-- The proper address when you accidentally bump into someone at a crowded social gathering is "Excuse me, miss." Not "Sorry, babe." Or "Watch it, bitch." Also, do not use such contact as an opportunity to cop a quick feel.
-- When conversing with a lady that you have just met, you should have in mind several non-controversial topics to talk about. Where each of you met the host/hostess, for example, or interesting places you have traveled (hint: Denver is not as interesting as you think it is). You should avoid topics that focus solely on yourself, such as how much money you make, or the color of your Mercedes, or the length of your penis.
-- When invited to a social gathering, you should always bring a gift for the host/hostess. This is a gift for them, not for you. So, a six pack of your favorite beer, of which you immediately open one, is not acceptable. Nor is an autographed 8x10 of yourself, or a gift certificate to Hooters.
Avoiding these few common missteps will serve as a firm base on which to launch your future social self as an elegant, denboair and socially desirable individual. Please join me again next week, when I will offer some dining tips.
