| 24 August 2010
The sidepanels of NHL.com this week feature the Great One in collaboration with Nintendo and EA Sports, selling you the hottest, newest, Wii-est game to come out since Smash Brothers - NHL Slapshot. It comes out the same day as NHL 11, so there's about as much a chance I purchase it as Sean Avery behaving at a kids' piano recital. But just to make sure none of you buy it either, I present to you 8 Reasons Not to Buy NHL Slapshot. You're welcome.
1. Video games are supposed to be realistic. It's their authenticity that make them fun and enjoyable, and every minor detail contributes to the overall gaming experience. That said, where does Nintendo get off thinking that the youth of America are going to actually believe that Edmonton is an actual place with an actual hockey time? Might as well include the Narnia Tumnii while we're at it.
2. Gretzky's press materials have him donning the blue and orange of his Oilers' youth. Nevermind the fact that he spent time in Los Angeles, New York, and St. Louis. Why couldn't he be wearing that old school Blues jersey? I guarantee you LeNoc just passed on your game and is spending our lucrative MYFO ad money on Grand Theft Auto: 2 Theft 2 Furious.
3. The spokesperson willing participated in a Nickelback music video. DO NOT WANT.
4. This is your weapon of choice whilst playing NHL Slapshot. Seems a tad short (assuming you're not Rob DiMaio). I can understand the allure of having sport-specific Wii controllers - tennis rackets, snowboards, bats - these make sense to me. But how am I supposed to be Marty Turco gloveside when I'm swinging a glorified spatula. If I'm going to play hockey indoors, I want equipment that can break nearby lamps.
5.Hey kid, this isn't Guitar Hero. Hold the spatula stick properly or your getting two minutes on the couch.
6. Is Gretzky actually trying to hook little Austin there? It's only a video game, Wayne. I'd expect a little more gentlemanly play out of a 4-time recipient of the Lady Byng Trophy.
7. This isn't a real game at all. That TV and Wii are plugged into NOTHINGNESS.
8. I rest my case.
