After a brief hiatus for the holiday season, San Jose Sharks superstar Joe Thornton is back and ready and raring to dispense more of his unique brand of advice. You may recall Joe’s first foray into providing guidance to the troubled masses when he took on actual queries that had been originally sent to various advice columnists from across the country. I’m sure we can all agree that Joe proved more than adequately that he has got the chops so MYFO is thrilled to once again provide him the forum to show these charlatans how it’s done.

Take it away, Joe.

Joe Thornton says:

YEARRRGGHHHHHHH!!!! YES!!!! THRILLED TO BE BACK! I FUCKING LOVE TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO!!! LET’S DO THIS! BUT “DEAR JOE THORNTON” SUCKS AS A NAME! JOE THORNTON WANTS “HEY JOE” AS THE NAME OF THE ADVICE COLUMN! YEAHHHH!!! HEY JOE! HEY JOE! HEY JOE! YEARRGGGHHH! DO IT!

We’ll discuss this issue later, Joe. First off, we have a few requests for advice that were originally submitted to “Dear Abby”:

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this year and have an etiquette question. A close family member was recently arrested and will be in jail at the time my wedding takes place. Because of our close relationship, I would like to invite him, but I’m worried that to do so would be considered more offensive than not inviting him, as he will obviously not be able to attend. What do you think? — TRYING TO BE KIND IN SAN FRANCISCO

Joe Thornton says:

San Fran-fucking-cisco, huh? Must be one of them queer weddings, am I right?  Whatever. Here’s the deal: your family member fucked up, right? Not your problem. Fuck him. What you should be worried about is whether you got AIDS – if you don’t, you’re lucky. Anyway, here’s what I say you do: send the goddamn invitation to this peter-puffer in the slammer. If he says he didn’t get it, tell him they probably tried to deliver it to his cell but he was getting butt-slammed at the time, and since he is from San Francockso, I’m sure he probably preferred the anal-injection he was receiving instead of coming to your homo wedding. GOD DAMMIT! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, JUST KEEP IT OUT OF MY FACE! YEAAAAA!!! I LOVE BEING TOLERANT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S BELIEFS AS LONG AS I DON’T HAVE TO SEE IT!! AMERICA RULES!!

Okay Joe, try taking it down a notch and from this point on, let’s try to be a little more sensitive…

Joe Thornton says:

JOE THORNTON CAN DO THAT!! I’M JUST SO PUMPED UP!! THIS IS THE BEST! SORRY MYFO!

Excellent. Let’s continue with another letter from a Dear Abby reader:

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one big problem. I don’t like to share blankets at bedtime. The truth is, I like to sleep comfortably with my blankets tucked all around. I have honestly tried sharing, but I can’t sleep that way or even get comfortable. My boyfriend thinks I’m weird and that I don’t like being close to him at night. Isn’t sharing a bed enough? — CREATURE OF HABIT

Joe Thornton says:

Man, first of all, you must be one frigid-ass bitch. Secondly, what sort of candy-ass pussy are you dating? “Ooh, ooh, my feelings are hurt because you don’t want to be close to me at night. Love me, justify me, understand me!” Jesus fucking Christ. Are there any real men out there except for us bad-asses that lace up the skates and put our lives on line every night? Fuck it. Usually, I would blame the guy on this one for being such a pansy, but I’m going to lay the blame on you, Creature of Habit. If you were doing your job right, Sensitive Sammy wouldn’t have the energy to be griping about whether or not you’re sharing the blankets with him. He shouldn’t give a shit about you or what you’re doing at that point. His balls would be drained, he would have a grin on his face and he would only have enough strength to roll out of bed to take a post-fuck piss before collapsing back on the bed. YES!! POST-FUCK PISSES ARE THE BEST!!! TALK ABOUT A FUCKING RELIEF!! TWO STREAMS, MOTHER FUCKER!!! GETTING BOTH PISS STREAMS IN THE BOWL IS LIKE THE NHL SKILLS COMPETITION AT THE ALL-STAR GAME EXCEPT IT MEANS SOMETHING!! NO ONE CARES!!

Sound advice, Joe. Switching gears, we have a request for advice that was originally sent to Dr. Michael Fox, The Animal Doctor:

Las Vegas, Nev.: What is the best way to eliminate static electricity on my Persian cat? Must I add humidifiers in the house? Thanks for your advice.

Joe Thornton says:

You gotta be kidding me, right? Hey, Las Vegas resident, I got an easy remedy to this situation: GET RID OF THE FUCKING CAT! Seriously, has there ever been a more useless animal? They are fucking arrogant as shit, and if you kick them, they’ll shit in your shoes. If you can’t get rid of the cat because your kids love it for some reason, here’s what you do: mix a little poison in its food, wait a few hours and when you find it, throw the cat in the garbage. Easy as pie, my friend! Tell the kids the cat must have run off because they didn’t love it enough. Now that’ll be a good life lesson for the little bastards. Back home when I was a kid, me and my old man used to trap stray cats by putting a can of rotten tuna in a raccoon trap. We’d shoot ‘em in the head with an air rifle to daze them, and then we would snap their necks and skin them for practice. Then we would sell the carcasses for a buck apiece to the Chan family that lived down the street from us. Nice folks, the Chans. FUCK! JUST THINKING ABOUT THOSE WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT MAKES ME THINK OF MY OLD MAN. JESUS, I MISS THAT GUY! MADE JOE THORNTON A MAN IS WHAT HE DID!!!

Your father seems like a great man who taught you well. And I think we are all the better for it, Joe. Moving on, here are a few letters we came across perusing an “Ask Amy” column:

Dear Amy: My long-term girlfriend has gained some weight during the course of our relationship. She seemed happier and more confident when she weighed less.

I am not sure of the best way to approach the subject of recommending that she attempt to improve her health and mood through diet and exercise. In the past when I brought it up, she became insulted and told me that I was inconsiderate.

She is my companion, and I want her to be healthy and be there for the long haul of life.

I am looking for the best way to approach her about this.

-Confused

Joe Thornton says:

OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHH!!! NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, PEOPLE!! REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS!!! NOT ANY OF THAT CAT SHIT!

Okay, here’s how you handle this situation, Confused. And remember, this is the type of thing that must be handled delicately, just like washing your balls. Take the beefy ball and chain out for a fancy dinner – she probably hasn’t eaten in fifteen minutes so I’m sure she’s starving. Play it real classy, though. You know, roses, open the car door for her, reach over and give her snizz a nice flippity-flap on the way to the restaurant – the whole nine yards. After dinner, if you have any money left after Miss Piggy made the Sizzler salad bar her own personal trough, check into a Motel 6 and give her some real sexy lingerie you ordered online from Fredericks of Hollywood – you know, some real classy stuff – but make sure you order it in a size that she would have fit in before she transformed into the body double of Camryn Manheim. She’ll be all excited – until she tries it on. When she accuses you of being a terrible person for purchasing something too small for her, just tell her to imagine how you feel going to bed every night with a goddamn rhino. Before you know it, she’ll be binging and purging her way back to being not disgusting to look at. YEARRGGHHHH! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO, MOTHER FUCKERS!! WHO WEARS THE PANTS?? THE MEN, THAT’S WHO!! DON’T LET NO BROAD TELL YOU OTHERWISE!!

Joe, let me be the first to say that you are indeed a gentlemen and a scholar. Here’s another “Ask Amy” inquiry:

Dear Amy: For more than 30 years, I have called my husband “Pooh Bear.” I call him “Tom” in public, of course, but occasionally at home I call him by this pet name.

Recently we had some people from our bowling league over to our house.

A woman who is relatively new to the group heard me call my husband Pooh Bear, and now she uses it! Whether speaking to him directly or mentioning him to others, it’s Pooh Bear this and Pooh Bear that. As a couple she refers to us as “Sophie” and Pooh Bear.

Needless to say, this bothers us. Others in the group agree that this is weird, but we’re not sure what to do about it. This woman is very touchy and seems to think she is superior to the rest of us. If I mention this to her, she is sure to take offense.

On the other hand, she was born in another country and may not understand that pet names are not for all to use.

Do you have a suggestion on how to proceed?

-Pooh Bear’s Wife

Joe Thornton says:

HOOOOOO-BOY!! THERE IS A WHOLE PILE OF WRONG GOING ON IN THIS ONE!! BUT THAT’S WHAT JOE’S HERE FOR, PEOPLE!!

Alright, I hate to break it to you Pooh Bear’s Wife, but your husband is probably nailing this broad. Or, to put in terms I think you’ll understand, Pooh Bear has already had his paw in her honey pot. But don’t fret – men have an innate need to play the field. Here’s how you remedy the situation and it’s two simple words – Three Some. He’ll quickly lose interest in the illegal immigrant. And if that doesn’t work, just get her goldbrickin’ ass deported. Before you know it, you’ll be squealing like Piglet and he’ll be grunting “Eeyore! Eeyore! Eeyore!” with every pump. YEARRRGGHHHHH!! I FUCKING LOVE SEXUAL INNUENDO INVOLVING BELOVED CARTOON CHARACTERS!! BUT WHO DOESN’T?? YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Joe, truer words have never been spoken. Finally, for our last letter, we have a question from a concerned mother to columnist Carolyn Hax:

Dear Carolyn: My brilliant, beautiful 23-year-old daughter is the middle of three girls and has always been a little kooky in her dress and manner. I don’t expect her to be a cookie-cutter version of me or the other girls, but her hygiene habits have been lacking since she was in college. She doesn’t smell bad, but she doesn’t smell nice, either.

I know this acting out is an expression of being who she is, but she was brought up to know that good hygiene and first impressions count. When she visited I brought it up once and she put me off immediately, saying things like water dries out your skin, and that she doesn’t smell. Please tell me how to discuss this rationally with her. I know this will be a problem when she gets a real job or goes on dates.

ANONYMOUS

Joe Thornton says:

JESUS CHRIST, LADY!! It’s not your life – stop trying to control your daughter or turn her into a clone of you. You’re the problem, not her. If she wants to parade around town looking like a goddamn slob with a stinky ass, let her. Just don’t let her sit on your furniture anymore. Do you know how hard it is to get ass stank out of Microfiber? That’s why I don’t let Jonathan Cheechoo crash on my couch anymore. Talk about a rotten-smelling mother-fucker. I don’t know if it’s the whale blubber or what, but them Eskimos friggin’ stink! YEAARRRRGGHHHH!! DON’T GET ME WRONG, JOE THORNTON LOVES ESKIMO JONATHAN CHEECHOO, JUST NOT HOW HE SMELLS AND THE GREASY STAINS HE LEFT ON MY NEW SECTIONAL!!!

THIS WAS THE FUCKING TOPS, MYFO. LET’S DO IT AGAIN SOON!! I FUCKING LOVE TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO!!! YEARRGGHHHH!!!

Joe, the pleasure was all ours. Talk to you soon.

*** SITE NOTE:  Readers, if any of you are having problems and don’t know where to turn, Joe Thornton would be thrilled to help you out. Names will be withheld upon request. Simply send all inquiries in care of Weed Against Speed (weedagainstspeed [at] gmail [dot] com) with a subject line of “Ask Joe Thornton” and we’ll certainly pass it along. ***