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Rob Blake: OK, everybody ready? Let's get in the car.
Tiny Tot No. 1, eyes all aglow: But Dad! I don't want to go to Sally's stupid Christmas concert! She can't even play the flute.
Tiny Tot No. 2, eyes filled with tears: Yes I can too! Stupidhead!
Rob: Honey, your flute is lovely. Jimmy, apologize to your sister and get in the car. Brandy! Babe, let's go! We're going to be late.
Brandy Blake: Sorry, honey. I wanted to put on my special Christmas outfit. Do you like it?
Rob: Hominahominahomina...aren't you chilly?
Brandy: Just drive, studmuffin.
The engine roars to life, and Rob peels out of the driveway.
Tiny Tot No. 1, eyes wide: Daddy, you ran a red light! And what's mommy doing?
Rob: Don't worry; there weren't any cars coming. And Mommy's just...helping me fix something on my pants. Why don't you turn on a DVD or something back there?
Tiny Tot No. 2, eyes wandering: Daddy, you're scaring me! Take your hands out of Mommy's dress and put them on the steering wheel.
Rob: Why don't you mind your own...oh, we're here. Already. Gosh. I was hoping your school was a little farther away, like say 45 seconds. Tell you what. Why don't you kids run inside and pick us out a good seat, and me and Mom will be along in a few minutes?
Tiny Tots: Da-ad! We can't cross the parking lot by ourselves.
Rob: Not even just this once? Oh, all right. Your mom will walk in with you. I need to...stay sitting down for a minute or two.
Brandy: Don't be long. I'll be sitting in the back row.
Rob makes it to the seats just in time, as the lights dim and a squeaky rendition of "Deck the Halls" breaks out from the stage.
Tiny Tot No. 1, eyes adjusting: I told you she can't play. I can't see. Dad, can I sit on your lap?
Rob: No! I mean, why don't you sit on the end of the row. Mommy can sit on my lap.
Brandy climbs on, wiggling provocatively. "Deck the Halls" comes to a slightly off-key finish.
Rob: Oh, yes! This is fantastic!
The band starts raggedly in on "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."
Brandy: whispering So, am I being naughty, or nice?
Rob: I don't know, but this isn't a lump of coal.
Tiny Tot No. 1, eyes anxious: Mom! I have to go to the bathroom!
Rob: Oh, sweet merciful...can't you hold it?
Tiny Tot No. 1, eyes bulging: No, I have to poop!
Brandy: I'll take him. You just wait here and enjoy the music.
The band launches unsteadily into "Blue Christmas," with the flutes shrilly playing the part of the backup singers.
Brandy: We're back.
Rob: That was fast. Why don't you sit back down here?
Brandy: Actually, I was hoping you'd come back here and help me with something. Jimmy, can you just sit there for a minute?
Rob: Where are we going?
Brandy: I found a supply closet. It's unlocked.
Rob: O Holy Night!
As the door closes, the band lurches into "O Come All Ye Faithful." The concert concludes triumphantly several minutes later with "Joy to the World."
Tiny Tot No. 2,eardrums ringing: Mom! Dad! Did you like the concert?
Rob: Sweetie, that was without a doubt the best Christmas concert I've ever come to.
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