| 18 December 2009
Because the NHL's disciplinary system has been variously described as "inconsistent," "arbitrary," and "incomprehensible," we here at MYFO will periodically remedy this situation by selecting a hockey-related object of punishment, and a unique form of punishment.
Players at a minor league hockey game earlier this week attacked and killed a bat that was swooping about the ice surface, trying to snag some of those coupons for a free car wash dropped out of those mini-blimps. The sane and heroic people of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals were not amused, on the grounds that it is apparently unethical to murder a bat for trying to get a free car wash, even though bats can't drive cars. Live and learn.
PETA makes an important point about animal rights. We humans, despite being animals ourselves, have no right to enslave, torture, eat, maim, murder, humiliate, or exploit our fellow animals? How would we like it if cows suddenly decided that we would be very delicious if we were fileted, wrapped in bacon, and grilled 8 minutes a side?
In that spirit, this week's discipline is being imposed on the entire hockey community, for exploiting animals without their consent by naming teams after them. Many teams already recognize this problem, and chose to name their franchise after a W.C. Handy song, or a force of nature, or a minority race. But henceforth, MYFO demands as punishment that the following teams change their names (color schemes may remain the same):
Boston Bruins: Boston Bowlers. Keeps the alliteration, and who doesn't like a jaunty little hat?
Pittsburgh Penguins: Pittsburgh Participles. You know, because Crosby can really dangle.
Florida Panthers: Florida Cougars. I see endorsement opportunities for Tiger Woods.
Atlanta Thrashers: Atlanta Sweet Tea. Sponsored by Oral-B.
Nashville Predators: Nashville Predicates. When the Participles and the Predicates meet, you throw the adverbs out the window.
San Jose Sharks: San Jose Shorts. Who doesn't like a comfy pair of shorts?
Anaheim Ducks: Anaheim Dukes. "Dukes Seek to Usurp Kings." It's a headline writer's dream.
Phoenix Coyotes: Sasksatoon Tinkers. We need to honor guys who fix up old junk. Plus, it will resurrect the nearly out of use expression "I don't give a tinker's damn."
Vancouver Canucks: Vancouver Whale Riders. Keep the whale logo, just pencil in a little girl on top.
Detroit Red Wings: Detroit Red Flow. They wear white sweaters all the time...except for five days every month.
