Steve Mason: “Bonobos and chimpanzees are similar in many ways. Both eat fruit as the largest part of their diet. Both spend a lot of time high in the rainforest canopy but come down to the ground to travel and forage. Both are “knuckle walkers,” or walk on all fours, when on the ground, but both will sometimes walk on only their hind legs for short distances. Both use play time when they are young to build up their physical strength and agility and spend lots of time with their mothers to learn about life in the forest. Both have also been seen using tools, such as leaves to sponge up water from trees.” Isn’t that interesting, Derick?

Derick Brassard: Faithful Squire Steve, thy information, perchance, may serve some greater purpose at the next trivia night. I thank thee for it!

Steve: I’m not your squire, Derick.

Derick: That is Sir Derick, of the Brassard Chevaliers of the Greater Metropolitan Hull Area! Remember the name and thy role, squire!

Steve: Fine, Sir Derick. You want some peanuts?

Derick: AH! PEANUTS! Delectable goobers high in protein, a snack fit for nobility!

Steve: Two peanuts, please. What do you want to see next, Der, er, Sir Derick?

Derick: The most dignified, gallant creature to prowl God’s green earth! What, good Steve, is that animal?

Steve: The lion?

Derick: Is it? I DID NOT KNOW THAT! Show me this “lion”.

Steve: Um, it’s right over there.

Derick: HO! What sort of unscrupulous fight is that?

Steve: He’s eating.

Derick: Wherefore is he allowed to perform this dastardly deed? How can he mangle and destroy the peaceful bovine?

Steve: He’s hungry. It’s the same reason you’re eating nuts.

Derick: Then I shall forsake these nuts!

Drops nuts, hops fence

Steve: I wonder if his voice will finally lower.

Lion: //gnaws on ground beef

Derick: Thou hast besmirched the good Chuck name, sir lion! Given to such luminaries as Brown, Jones, AND E. CHEESE! Relinquish thy hold on the beaten meat and engage with me!

Lion: RRRRRRRRRRR

// Lion chews on Brassard’s shoulder

Derick: Aghast am I! The unforgivable fangs of ferocity are tearing me asunder! My cloth armor has failed me once again! Good squire Steve, save me!!!!!

Steve: Here we go again.

Pulls out cardboard panel

Stands on head, spins

Lion: //stops chewing on Brassard’s shoulder

Is dumbfounded at humanity

Steve: Hey Sir Derick, you may want to escape before my centripetal acceleration stops!

Derick: I, I, I refuse to …

Steve: YOUR FUCKING ARM IS HANGING BY A TENDON NOW GET OUT YOU ARISTOCRATIC ASSWIPE!

Derick: // Crawls out of lion’s den

Steve: // Stops spinning, vomits

Sir Derick, you must pick your battles based on your natural strengths, which are speed and hand-eye coordination, not brute force.

Derick: Perhaps thou art correct, Steve.

Steve: Now, pick up your nuts and let’s go.

//Looks at Derick’s arm

Eh, maybe we should call Dr. James Andrews.