Mike Smith: I don’t care if she is a Seen Stamkos girl, I’m gonna knock those boots again tonight!

[Barry Melrose walks in]

Mike Smith: Oh, look who it is! The Human Mullet!

Barry Melrose: Scumbag, what are you doing?

Mike Smith: Nothin’, just hanging out with Vinny Lec and our new goalie.

Barry Melrose: He’s your cousin?

Mike Smith: Yeah, and he’s from Russia too.

Barry Melrose: No way! What part of Russia?

Mike Smith: I don’t fuckin’ know, do I look like his fuckin’ biographer? Olaf, what part of Russia are you from?

Olaf Kolzig: I’m not Russian. I’m German.

Barry Melrose: He only speaks Russian? That’s not good for team-building.

Mike Smith: No, he speaks English, but he cannot speak it good like we can.

Olaf Kolzig: Actually, I’ve lived in Canada since I was a teenager. I don’t speak Russian, but I do speak a bit of German. I’ve been playing in North America since 1989 when I got drafted, and I was born in South Africa.

Barry Melrose: Is he staying here?

Mike Smith: Only until I learn to handle the pressure of being an everyday goalie. He wants to be a metal singer.

Barry Melrose: No way!

Mike Smith: No, it’s true. Olaf, Metal!!

Olaf Kolzig: Karaoke is a hobby of mine when I’m drunk, but I’d really like to tell you guys about the Carson Kolzig Foundation for Youth Autism.

Mike Smith: That’s his fuckin’ metal face. Olaf, coach nice?

Olaf Kolzig: Mr. Melrose, I’ve heard so much about you, and it’ll be an honor to play for you.

Mike Smith: That’s fucked up, man…

Barry Melrose: What’d he say?

Mike Smith: I don’t know, but this guy’s a character.

Barry Melrose: He really wants to play metal?

Mike Smith: Yeah, he’s got his own band, called I’m Olie the Goalie or somethin.

Barry Melrose: That doesn’t sound metal.

Mike Smith: You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, Berzerker! C’mon man, Berzerker!

Olaf Kolzig: I don’t know, man, it’s late, there’s no background track, and I really want to tell you guys about the foundation I’m running…

Barry Melrose: Does he sing in English or Russian?

Olaf Kolzig: I’m not Russian!!!

Mike Smith: In English. C’mon, Olaf. Berzerker, coach might give you playing time! He might even donate to your cause! Aw, watch, he’s gonna sing, it’s too funny…

Olaf Kolzig:

I ONLY MAKE SAVES BY STROKE OF LUCK BERZERKER

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MAKING PUCK BERZERKER

Mike Smith: That’s fucking funny, man.

Barry Melrose: Did he say Making Puck?

[Later]

Olaf Kolzig:

I PLAY AGAINST THE TICKING CLOCK BERZERKER

I SHOULD HAVE BECOME A FUCKING DUCK BERZERKER

Dan Boyle: That’s beautiful, man…