Hello, friends. You may remember me from those Christian Children’s Fund commercials- those that aired late at night that would attempt to guilt you into donating money to aid starving and impoverished children all over the world? Yep. That’s me. Well, due to some egregious errors in judgment – a bag of grain used to give you carte blanche in the old days, but that’s another story altogether – I have been relieved of my duties as spokesperson for the charity.

I was left pondering: where does a man of my gentle demeanor and aptitude for persuasion go from here? The answer came to me in a flash. Of course, I just had to find another charity to represent.

I was perusing the internet at the library the other day when I came across a truly inspiring article regarding a cause I could really get behind: BOMBSTACHE. Fortunately, I was able to get in contact with Jonathan Davis, the President of BOMBSTACHE, via a very nice young man I met in a chat room.

Long story short, after a long and heartfelt discussion, Mr. Davis acquiesced and has agreed to allow me to be the spokesperson for his fine organization. Before we take our message to the airwaves, I wanted to try out some of my material on the very site that first granted BOMBSTACHE a forum to spread their word.

“Seventy-five cents a day. Not much money, is it? No, you cannot get a cup of coffee anymore for that amount, but it’s still a paltry sum, wouldn’t you agree? Did you know that with the spare change in your pocket after you leave the adult bookstore’s coin-operated video players could go toward helping hundreds of young men struggling with wispy facial hair?

This is Tommy Snyder. On the surface, he appears to be a nice young man with a bright future ahead of him. Tommy is a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan and as such, wanted to grow a playoff beard just like his idol, Sidney Crosby. As you can see, much like his hero Sid the Kid, Tommy was unable to adequately grow facial hair. And through such a seemingly innocuous event, Ryan’s trouble quickly began.

Distraught and obviously unstable due to his thin moustache, Tommy has become socially withdrawn. In fact, his father tells me he is not planning on going to prom or trying out for the school play next fall. He now can be found sleeping the day away, only getting up to inspect his face in his mother’s cosmetic mirror. Truly a sad story.

If only we could have reached this boy sooner. If only BOMBSTACHE could have been there for him. Regretfully, there is only so much we can do without your financial assistance.

With the help from people just like you, BOMBSTACHE  may have had the necessary means for the necessary means to stop this young man’s downward spiral into depression and low self-esteem.

Seventy-five cents a day. It doesn’t seem like much now, does it? Please contact BOMBSTACHE and give whatever you can – and help prevent one more Tommy Snyder.

Now if I could, I would to take a moment to allow some very nice gentlemen to share their thoughts with you.”

“Hello. I’m Sidney Crosby. When not making plays on the ice and leading my teammates to the Stanley Cup Finals, I try to devote as much time as possible to assist BOMBSTACHE with their noble cause. Every dollar counts. Don’t miss the open net. Take a shot. Donate money.”

“Hi there, I’m Marc-Andre Fleury, goaltender for the Pittsburgh Penguins. When my teammate Sidney Crosby informed me there was a new organization that sole purpose was to help out people afflicted with poor facial hair, all I could say was ‘How can I help?’ Make the big save and donate to BOMBSTACHE!”

*many thanks to AP Photo/Keith Srakocic for use of the Marc-Andre Fleury photo and Jim McIsaac/Getty Images for use of the Sidney Crosby photo