Hold on there, self. Just stay composed, we’re only down 2-1, we’re playing a great game, everything’s cool. Except that we can’t express our true image …

Brad Richards scores

WOOOOHOOOOO!! I feel like playing the puck in the corner! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do next time. I’ll … wait, cool it Marty. It’s a tie game. This isn’t a Southeast Division game. Remain composed, self. Winning comes before confusing player roles.

Mike Modano scores

Where you at now, San Jose? How does it feel to lose to a sequential hermaphrodite? Don’t stare, you conservative cuntwagglers! Your type has discriminated against me for years now! “Marty can’t win the big one”! “Turco’s a choker”! “Your gear is ill-suited for defensemen!”

Well, watch this!

Controls puck

Oooh, look at the Michelin Thing! What’s he going to do with the puck? Leave it for his defenseman? Hell no! Do I weigh 500 pounds? I’m gonna play it out to center myself! Fuck you, Ron Hextall!

Shoots puck to blue line, where the Sharks take over

Uh-oh.

Marc-Edouard Vlasic’s shot goes over the net.

You were lucky, Sharkies! I’m still dangerous when I’m controversial!

Controls puck.

I can still pass it along the boards!

Turns puck over to the Sharks again. The play does not result in a shot on goal.

Sergei Zubov: Stay in the fucking net, Renee Richards.

Turco: You’re oppressing my right to individuality!

Zubov: You’re oppressing my need to win a game. Stay in the crease or I’ll chain you to the posts.

Turco: Tyrant!  J’accuse!

Assist to Yahoooooooo-oo-woo! via the AP for the first photo.