People often say how you can tell a lot about a person just by taking a good look at them. Today on MYFO I will put that theory to the test. I randomly selected photos of all the Western Conference coaches and attempted to make a few assumptions about them: their likes, dislikes, character flaws, how they interact with people and so on.

How accurate was I in my presumptions? Probably not very accurate at all but we don’t shoot for accuracy here. Let’s see how I did.

Mike Babcock – Detroit Red Wings:

• favorite song is “Reminiscing” by the Little River Band
• always parks his car so it takes up two parking spaces
• loves doing his Jerry Warner from The Facts of Life impression
• doesn’t trust Mexicans

Dave Tippett – Dallas Stars:

• uses Grecian Formula
• doesn’t know how to knot a tie
• finds the People Magazine crossword puzzle challenging
• stashes his porn in a box in the attic labeled “Boxing Day Decorations”

 

Jacques Lemaire – Minnesota Wild:

• dreams of one day playing a villain in a James Bond movie
• deathly afraid of clowns
• favorite meal is plain white bread with a glass of water
• farts in public and blames it on his wife

 

 

Ron Wilson – San Jose Sharks:

• felt Kevin Spacey’s performance in Beyond the Sea was underrated
• enjoys a thrilling game of Parcheesi every now and then
• has a profile on a Christian singles website
• pees sitting down

Randy Carlyle – Anaheim Ducks:

• was nicknamed “Meat” by high school buddies
• once punched a bartender for putting a lime in his beer
• refuses to sing “Happy Birthday” song at parties
• doesn’t “get” the Frasier TV show

Mike Keenan – Calgary Flames:

• refuses to take the time to sort his recycling
• does not allow wife to eat bratwurst – or pickles
• thinks he’s better than everyone else and is not afraid to let people know it
• won’t take his shoes off at other people’s houses

Joel Quenneville – Colorado Avalanche:

• refers to his moustache as “The Stalin”
• doesn’t get the music kids are listening to these days
• insists his family refer to him as “Coach” or “Big Daddy”
• in anger management classes for throwing his cell phone at a guy in a movie theater

Barry Trotz – Nashville Predators:

• kids in his neighborhood think he’s “creepy”
• sleeps in the nude
• makes plaster casts of his own manhood 
• enjoys a good enema

Alain Vigneault – Vancouver Canucks:

• makes off-color jokes at inappropriate times
• tells people he’s Italian
• doesn’t understand why Asians believe the term “slopes” is racist
• can’t figure out what they’re advertising in those Levitra commercials

Wayne Gretzky – Phoenix Coyotes:

• never knows how to smile when posing for photographs 
• overuses words like super, dandy,  hunky-dory and yesiree
• not afraid to cry at weddings
• wears a jock strap when coaching

Denis Savard – Chicago Blackhawks:

• thinks Maynard James Keenan from the band Tool is one helluva good-looking guy
• suffers from the condition Simple Chronic Halitosis
• wishes he had bigger shoulders
• thinks Native Americans are a bunch of crybabies

 

Craig MacTavish – Edmonton Oilers:

• thinks wearing glasses makes him look more “intemellectual”
• habitual nail-chewer
• still believes wearing a helmet is for pussies
• secretly harbors a Furry fetish

Andy Murray – St. Louis Blues:

• always dresses up as the Reverend Henry Kane from Poltergeist II for Halloween
• has never been photographed smiling
• cheats on his taxes
• does a mean karaoke jam of Nelly’s Hot in Herre

Marc Crawford – Los Angeles Kings:

• favorite video game of all-time is Sonic the Hedgehog
• was once struck by lightning
• loves the band Crowded House
• awkwardly tells women that “the carpet matches the drapes”