COLON BUS BLEW JACKETS? When I tookz that stuff, I blews a kilo of Froot Rollups! Saw the birdies and carpets that I cutted out! Pigeons covered in doody! That called irony!

How can weez be down against team of stomach scrapers? Especially when we has 2 extra players on the ice! Rick Nash is biggest piece of fiber I ever seen! He very effective too, scrubbing away all the crap that keep us complacent. I look at you, Gonchar. You think we win games ‘cuz of your lazy tootie? Maybe if you tooks some Colon Bus while facing ours net, you could use jet pro pull shen to gets back to defends!

Oh wells, I guess I needz to pull out secret weapon. I hates taking performance enhancers, but Teddy needz me.

Pulls out flask, drinks contents

MMMMM. pH level iz much MUCH greater than 7.0. Hint of iodine in there too. My mystical powers return to me in fullz force. Sanguine molecules elevate me now, Stevie Malkmus. Crimson glow emanate from jersey. Legs pumps at 350 Barbarapower. Shoulders taut and overflowing with potential energy. I IZ MORE POWERFUL THAN QUAILMAN!!!!

GIVE ME ZE PUCK!!!

Gets puck at redline, dekes, crosses over blue line

OVIE TIME!!!!!

Wristshot depants Pascal Leclaire

GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!

Fast-forward to overtime

I’z not so good at shootout. Don’t know why. Alex Manjuice is good, so iz Mr. Segway Greenie. Why cannotz I scorez one-on-one? Ohhh, I don’ts wants to go past extra times. Teddy be disappointeds in me. Must end this now.

Receives puck in right faceoff circle

Freddy Noreena? Your porez looks clean enough for me. If not, here’z a proactive solution for you!

Wristshot removes Norrena’s blackheads

YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! WE WINZZZZZ!!!!! TIMES TO TAKE COLON BUS AND FART ON COUCH!!!!!!