This evening, the NHL got cold feet and asked its next-door neighbor to go steady.
It’s not that Versus isn’t good looking – she’s cute, in a “remember when we used to climb trees when we were six?” sort of way. Versus is comfortable – she’s safe. After a couple of years, she’s even turned moderately attractive. No, none of the jocks like the NFL or those X-Games skater punks are going to dream about her at night, but they stopped mocking her during lunch ever since she stopped wearing glasses and got HD.
But did you have to give her your class ring, NHL?
You’re only a sophomore in Pro Sports High, and now you’ve declared your love for someone, who at best, is slightly below you. (Be-low You. Heh.) You’ve palled around since freshman orientation because she laughed at one of your jokes (yes, that why-doesn’t-Miro-Satan-play-for-NJ joke always gets a smile), and at the time you were as insecure as Gary Bettman in the Winnipeg Airport. You needed closeness, after ESPN dumped you the summer before high school.
Can you blame her?
After middle school, you went with your parents to Canada for two months, while she hung out at the pool and got boobs. And when you came back to impress her with all this neat Canuckistan lingo you learned, she laughed at you. So you climbed the tree to Versus’ window and talked. All night long. It felt good, but secretly you knew that you were capable of dating cheerleaders, and instead you sat. Pouring your heart out to your lab partner.
And speaking of Versus, look at the other guys she talks to. The Tour de France kid? He’s nothing more than a druggie with nice abs. The Bass Pros? Those guys get a hard on any time ANYONE (male or female) says hi. What I’m trying to say, man, is YOU are out of HER league. She’s going to hold on to you NO MATTER WHAT.
I heard she already bought a chaing to wear that damn ring around her neck. That way, everyone will know that you’ve declared your love for her. Sure, she may get sneaky hot – at least in a Lisa Loeb sort of way – and then you’ve already made an excellent investment. But I wouldn’t trust your judgement, pal. You thought hockey in Miami was a good idea.
Just a word to the wise. If ESPN or Fox, or even Continental Sports Channel asks you to a movie sometime, you lace up the skates and spring for dinner. Don’t worry about getting that ring back from the Versus chick. Let her keep it, man.
I’ll call Jostens for a replacement personally.
January 22nd, 2008 - 10:34 pm
THis makes me hink that high school was easy. I was smart back then, and even though I wasn’t popular, I had a few friends, and and.. –Coddammit, what went wrong??
*Ahem*
/akward pause…
So, um, is “Pro Sports High” where they trained the Pro Stars? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ProStars
Is that where Wayne Gretzky picked up his obsessive overeating habits and unhealthy body image?
Fuck, I need to do something non-gender/sociology related.
/umm…dick joke?
January 23rd, 2008 - 12:32 am
The NHL had better consider an extreme makeover before it strikes out on its own again. That bowl cut and toothless grin couldn’t impress a Chelsea girl.
Seriously, NHL: you’re just one ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ montage from McDreamydom. Show some effort.
January 23rd, 2008 - 1:05 am
Versus isn’t Lisa Loeb. She’s Rachel Leigh Cook! We’re gonna make her the hottest network in the school!
January 23rd, 2008 - 1:26 am
I don’t have Versus.
My friend have Center Ice on a wicked sweet television. It works.
@Raskolnikov: I thought Rachel and Lisa were almost interchangeable at this point. Cutesy indie girls who peaked in the 90s because of teen films.
January 23rd, 2008 - 9:00 am
And you say I only hear what I want to I don’t listen hard don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running to anyone, anywhere…
January 23rd, 2008 - 10:33 am
Let’s really hope that the NHL learns to cheat with the knockout with the big boobs.
This is fucking embarassing. Well, for you guys in the States. Canuckistan has a real sweet thing going on any given night with CBC, TSN, RDS, and SportsNet; and assorted regional networks when we need that cheap hooker flair.
January 23rd, 2008 - 11:03 am
Let’s really hope that the NHL learns to cheat with the knockout with the big boobs.
Which would be…NBC? The “big boobs”, I mean
January 23rd, 2008 - 11:14 am
You know what this means! Makeover! (Suicide!)
January 23rd, 2008 - 5:54 pm
[...] NHL Link of the Day This amused me greatly: It’s not that Versus isn’t good looking – she’s cute, in a “remember [...]
May 25th, 2008 - 2:23 pm
[...] This amused me greatly: It’s not that Versus isn’t good looking – she’s cute, in a “remember when we used to climb trees when we were six?” sort of way. Versus is comfortable – she’s safe. After a couple of years, she’s even turned moderately attractive. No, none of the jocks like the NFL or those X-Games skater punks are going to dream about her at night, but they stopped mocking her during lunch ever since she stopped wearing glasses and got HD. Leave a Reply [...]