*In Raleigh*

Peter Laviolette: First line!

*In Pittsburgh*

Michel Therrien: STAAL! I didn’t say 3^rd line! Get off!

*Back in Raleigh*

Laviolette: Staal! What the fuck are you doing? Stay on the ice!

Eric Staal: YOU CAN’T STOP US.

Laviolette: That’s Cam Ward’s job.

Eric: LEAVE US ON THE ICE.

Laviolette: UHH … OK.

*In New York City*

Tom Renney: MARC, YOU’RE SCRIMAGING 60 MINUTES TODAY. TAKE ROSIVAL’S SPOT.

Michal Rosival: No practice? YEAHHHHH!!!! Today is Monday, so that means … it’s my day with Elisha Cuthbert!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Rosival grabs box of condoms, leaves Madison Square Garden*

*Back in Pittsburgh*

Therrien: THIRD LINE, GET OUT THERE.

Jordan: GONCHAR, GIVE UP THE PUCK.

Sergei Gonchar: …

*Gonchar gives up the puck*

Staal: FLEURY, OPEN YOUR FIVEHOLE.

Marc-Andre Fleury: …

*Staal shoots and scores five-hole*

Marc Staal: JORDAN, DON’T SAY ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WITHOUT YOUR INFLUENCE.

*Back in Raleigh*

Rod Brind’Amour: C’MON STAAL, FUCKING PUSSY! COME’N GET IT!!

Eric: TRIP OVER YOUR FEET.

Brind’Amour: WHAT THE FUCK?

*Brind’Amour hipchecks Staal*

Eric: OW. WHY DID THAT NOT WORK?

Marc: WE CANNOT CONTROL HIS MIND. HIS NOSE IS A BRICK WALL.

Eric: WE MUST OVERCOME THIS BRIND’AMOUR.

*In Thunder Bay*

*Jared Staal has fallen down 2 flights of stairs*

Mrs. Staal: Jared! What’s wrong with you? Jumping over the dinner table, asking me to give up the puck, and open my fivehole!

Jared: I’M FINE. GET ME MOLSON.

Mrs. Staal: You’re not even close to 18! Why would I … UHH, HOW MANY BARRELS?

*In New York*

Marc: NEED BOOZE. AND SLUTS. WHERE IS ROSIVAL?